Mo Cuisle (part II)

The positive HPT was on Easter Sunday and the next day I went into the clinic to get the referral process started to see an OB. I was told I had to do another pregnancy test then went in the next day to get the results which confirmed the pregnancy. I talked to them about the barely there period and about the fact that I was probably about 10 weeks along. I was able to get a Dr’s appointment for two days later. I was told they would want to see me right away because of my indeterminate LMP and do an u/s to confirm how far along it would be. I was told I shouldn’t worry though, because I wasn’t having cramps. By this time, I had let the pregnancy sink in and was reveling in it. I started smiling and saying hi to everyone in the hallway at work. I thought about how I had never felt like I had gotten any breaks in life and now, this wonderful, unexpected gift drops in my lap. I blissfully reveled in the knowledge that I was going to have a baby.

The morning before my appointment, I checked my toilet paper after going to the bathroom as I always had a habit of doing (again, thanks mom). I saw that it was pink and my heart started pounding. I was at work and so I called Mr. Worrier and he came to take me home. I called the nurse I talked to earlier in the week who put me through to an OB on call. She asked if I had cramping and when I said no, she told me it was probably ok but if I started cramping, to go to the ER. My mantra for the rest of the day was no cramps, no cramps, no cramps. I couldn’t eat and I was desperately holding onto the hope that everything was going to turn out ok. I told myself to just trust and have faith. Just Please don’t let me have any cramps.

I got my wish, I had no cramps. And, as far as I could tell, no more pink on the toilet paper. Mr. Worrier came with me to the Dr’s appointment. He held my hand through the abdominal u/s…through the transvaginal u/s…through the tears. The u/s showed only a sac, no fetus, no baby. I was devastated, numb and confused. The nurse tried to give me hope, telling me maybe I was wrong about my dates and that it was too early to see the fetus. I knew that wasn’t the case and the blood draws over the next few days confirmed it.

I had the actual miscarriage about three weeks later. It was the most painful cramps I had ever had and I soaked pad after pad with blood. All I could think about was that the cramps must be a little bit what childbirth felt like. Besides the bleeding there were also large blood clots. I remember when I first saw them in the toilet, they reminded me of chicken livers. I couldn’t help myself and reached in to save them. I didn’t know what I planned to do with them. I just couldn’t bear the thought of them being flushed down the toilet.

Though it took almost a month for the miscarriage to occur, I was grateful for that time. The pregnancy had barely begun for me when I went in for the u/s and those weeks gave me time to accept it, even though the pregnancy was doomed. Knowing I was not going to have a baby was painful, but being able to feel my longing for it reaffirmed my pregnancy and assured me it was real and I needed to know that at least my pregnancy was real. I wasn’t ready yet to lose the pregnancy, too.

Afterwards, as I tried to cope with the miscarriage, I came across the advice, many times, to name my “angel” so I could grieve and move on. I tried, but I could never find a name that felt right and thinking of my lost baby as an angel just didn’t fit my belief system. Logically, I knew no baby ever developed from that pregnancy. That what caused my symptoms and the positive HPT was only from the sac that developed. Emotionally, though, it was something more, something deeper which, at the time, I didn’t have a name for. Now, as I face the knowledge that I will never have a biological child, I realize that the loss of that pregnancy was not only a loss of long wished for dreams and hopes, but a loss of mo cuisle.