The head is willing, but the heart still hopes

It's been a week since getting back my FSH results. In that time, I have read everything I could to understand what is known about high FSH and what it means for having a baby with my own eggs. In short, it's a low probability of pregnancy and if we were lucky enough to get pregnant again, even lower probability of live birth. This is true whether we try on our own, try with clomid+IUI or IVF.

As I look back on my cycles in the last few years, I realize they probably started gettting shorter about 4 years ago. I also realize that what all the Dr's and nurses were telling me about my anembryonic pregnancy (aka blighted ovum) being a fluke was probably wrong given what I know now. It wasn't my miscarriage that was the fluke, it was that I was able to get pregnant at all. Once pregnant, studies show that the chances of having a live birth are only about 20%. On top of that, because of egg quality issues, if I was able to have a baby with my own eggs, there is likely a stronger possibility of having a baby with Down's or something worse compared with other women my age.

Knowing all these facts, my head knows the right choice, if I want to experience a pregnancy, is to do it with donor eggs. DE means I have a great chance of pregnancy and a great chance of a healthy baby. Because, even though my eggs are equivalent to that of a 40 or 50 year old woman, the rest of me is still a good, young, acceptable 33. And I know I will love any child I have whether it be through DE/IVF, adoption or kidnapping*. And I am so ready to have a baby. NOW.

But it is so hard to give up the idea of having a biological child. I may not have many good ovaries left, but the fact that I am still getting periods (every 24 days! Beat that!) is actually a good sign given I have high FSH. But no one, not even the best Dr’s know or can figure out how many good eggs I might have left. Let alone how to catch any of them, if and when they decide to pop out. Yet, I can’t help but hope. I can’t help but think maybe I can get lucky just this one time. And I can’t help wondering if I give up on trying on our own now, whether I am giving up on having a child from my own genes in a rush to have any children at all.

It doesn’t help either, that on a month when I know my FSH is so high I get egg white cervical mucus on cd11 and cd12 when typically I get it cd7 and cd8. Ever get the feeling God is just fucking around with you because he has nothing better to do?

*Not really considering kidnapping as a viable option…just a cheaper one than the other two.