A midlife crisis to go with my midlife ovaries

These last couple of weeks I’ve found myself just going through the motions of life and feeling unsatisfied. Up until the last couple of weeks, there has always been something to do—putting away wedding and Christmas things, preparing for visitors, then the accident and all the paperwork, dealing with insurance, etc. It felt never-ending but then, it did. And I thought it would be great because now I would have the time to spend on myself and my needs. Can you guess what happened? That’s right. I got what I wished for but I found I really didn’t want all that time for contemplation. I began looking for things that needed my immediate attention so I can avoid facing myself and my feelings. Deep down, I know it will help me to sit and be quiet and listen to myself, but I don’t want to. I’m not really sure what I’m afraid of. Am I afraid of what I’ll hear myself saying? I don’t know. I just know that avoiding it is making me miserable, but I can’t seem to get myself not to avoid it.

I’ve been in this place before, years ago when I was depressed and trying to fight my way out of it. I went to therapy and that helped some but it was a long process. I also had Mr. Warrior reminding me that the truth was my friend and that no matter how painful the truth may be, in the end it was better to know the truth and let it help me, than to push it away.

I don’t know exactly the nature of the truth I should be searching for within myself. Certainly this struggle with infertility is causing pain and anguish, but I’m also reaching the end of my graduate school career and I know that this is also causing stress and anxiety. It’s an ending that is not unwelcome, but at the same time I don’t know what I will do with myself once it happens. I have some ideas, but can’t get myself to act on anything. When I first made the decision to go back to school after having spent 6 years out of it, I was motivated by how I saw myself 10 years down the road. I thought it was a means to a more fulfilling work life and I imagined myself happily working during the weekday and being mother and wife the rest of the time. Now, I can’t imagine what my personal life or work life will be like 5 or 10 years down the road. These last years in graduate school have sucked my love of work out of me and infertility has vanquished my mommy dreams to some distant land that I’m afraid I will never be able to go to. I have to give up the future I had written but I don’t know how to re-write a new one.