Wavering Worrier

So the wedding is over, the new year has begun and it’s time to go full guns on this IVF thing, right? Except, every time I think I’m ready to call up a clinic to make an appointment I start second guessing myself. What if this isn’t the best clinic for me and our issues? What if I haven’t done enough research on other clinics and I really should be going with another one? What if they push me to DE (even though I’m ready to go that route) and I still have a chance with my own eggs? What if they push me to try with my own eggs, I get pregnant and miscarry again because my eggs are shit and I should have just gone to DE? What if I have a whole slew of other problems that will affect my IVF outcome, but they overlook it or don’t test for it because I’m “young” or have gotten pregnant before or because the sun always rises in the east?

As more time passes, I get worse and worse and I have been wavering like this for at least the last week or so. I finally realized that a large part of it is that I’m terrified that going to the Dr’s will mean more bad news. Since my pregnancy in 2004, it seems like 3/4’s of the time I’ve gone to see a doctor or gotten tested it’s ended in bad news. And I’m tired of feeling hopeless after an appointment. Right now, I’ve got this Pavlovian response to seeing Dr’s about my infertility and I’ve got to get over it. How, I don’t know, but I can’t keep wavering. I felt best when I was moving forward and right now I’m stuck just sliding side to side. Stuck gets me nowhere near having a baby and a family. Stuck just ain’t going to cut it.

I guess the good little warrior got too much attention these last months and the worrier wants some attention, now.