Whiny

Been feeling sorry for myself these last few days. Hormones (whatever I have left of them) is playing some part as I’m about to get my period any day now. Unless my body has decided to go into full on ovarian failure, that is. In which case, this annoying spotting, stop, spotting, stop, spotting may be all I get this month. And if my ovaries don’t completely fail today, it will one day soon, maybe before I reach 35 and most likely before I hit 40. It’s ironic. One year ago, I would have been excited that I might not be getting my period. Now, I not only hope for a period, but for a lot of good bleeding because that would mean my body is capable of being normal. I don’t remember the last time I was scared I might soak through a pad or had flow overnight. And to top it all off, I get to go through this even more frequently now because I go through a cycle about once every 24 days! That’s every 3 weeks and 3 days. Every 3 weeks and 3 days I get a lovely reminder of how pathetic my body has become.

Life feels very unfair right now. I turned 33 less than 4 months ago. I shouldn’t have to be worrying about whether this is the end of my reproductive life. I shouldn’t have to wonder whether I should be taking some kind of hormone replacement because I’m starting to get night sweats. I shouldn’t have to wonder how much money I will have to spend in order to have a family.

Logically, I know that my condition could be a lot worse. My ovaries could have failed years ago or I could never have had any functioning ovaries. I could have cancer instead of ovarian failure. Logically, I know my life is generally a good one. But today, I feel like my whole body not just my ovaries have failed me. And life feels incredibly unfair.