Huh?

So, this morning I woke up and fragments of three dreams swirled around my head. The first was getting up to go to the bathroom and realizing I had not used this bathroom in our house for a long time. The toilet seat felt different and that’s how I knew I hadn’t used it for who knows how long. Then I realized that this wasn’t the bathroom in our current house. It is the master bath of the condo we previously lived in. I was thinking that I was not looking at things as they are and kept shutting my eyes tightly and opening them up to see if I would see our real, current bathroom. It was kind of like the feeling when you know you are dreaming and should wake up. So, I kept shutting and opening my eyes. Each time a little piece of our current bathroom came into sight until it turned into our current bathroom. Our old master bathroom was much lovelier and cozier than the one we have now. But I remember thinking as we cleared out the things from it during our move, that in a way I was happy to leave it because it was in that bathroom that my miscarriage began.

The second and third both involved pregnant women. One was an ex-coworker. In reality, she has two kids. About 7 months after my miscarriage, she had a miscarriage herself (from an oops pregnancy). When she was going through her miscarriage, she reached out to me, having known that I had gone through it. A few months later, I asked her if she was ok, to see how she was holding up. Her response was that it was for the best because the pregnancy wasn’t planned anyway and it would have been hard on them financially, so maybe God was looking out for them. I just couldn’t relate, not because I don’t believe in God, but because even if there is a God, I would find it hard to believe that God would allow her to become pregnant then take that pregnancy away in order to “look out for them.” In my dream, I ran into my ex-coworker in the hallway and she was visibly pregnant. But, she looked upset. She went into my “office” which, as I think back on it now was more like my bedroom. I closed the door and locked it and asked her what was wrong. She started crying and said that she and her husband were getting a divorce. She didn’t say it, but I sensed she felt overwhelmed and not sure how she would take care of her two children plus the one on the way by herself.

The other dream fragment was about the wife of a coworker who is currently pregnant. She and I had traded stories and encouraged each other over the past year in our ttc struggles. It turned out to be male factor for her. They were considering ART, when, you guessed it, they got pregnant. This was right before my DOR diagnosis. I was actually ok about it when I heard the news and am genuinely happy for them. In my dream, they had come back from a trip (in real life, they did go on a trip to Europe and just flew back yesterday) and she was now visibly pregnant. She kept talking about “Barney” this and “Barney” that and I realized she was referring to their baby. Then she pointed to her belly and said, “Well, we’re just calling him Barney while he’s still in there. We’re going to name him Benjamin after he’s born.”

Now, I don’t know what to make of these dreams, if anything. I didn’t wake up with any bad feelings from them, but I can’t say I have good feelings from them either. And the thought crossed my mind this morning, that with my high FSH and pending POF, I could stop having my period at any time. What if it happens this month? What if I don’t get my period, ever again? It seems I would still be able to do IVF with donor eggs, but the thought of one day never getting my period again while I’m still in my thirties is disturbing to say the least.

I feel like I should look into making an appointment at a clinic so that we keep moving on the baby front. Yet, there are so many things I want to do for the wedding and wedding things are just so much more pleasant to deal with. Perhaps the worrier princess in me is fighting to be let out because she feels she’s been shut away for too long behind the wedding planning. Is she sending me pregnant women in my dreams to try to knock me off track?