Drawing circles

I know there are many, many women who are dealing with DOR or POF. But I feel like I'm standing outside the circle. I don't technically have POF because my FSH is high, but not so high that I’m menopausal. My high FSH means I have DOR, but most of the research, support groups, etc. involve women over 40, because the majority of women with DOR are in that age group. In fact, the RE hadn’t thought it was worthwhile to test my FSH because I am not yet 35.

I understand that regardless of my age, I am not really all that different than these women, but I feel I am different. I feel like I’m not exactly part of the group. I know that has a lot to do with who I am and how I view things. I have always felt like the different one. The girl who never had the right clothes or the right look. The new kid in town who doesn't know all the rules of the game. The one who missed the first day of school and everyone else already has their safety buddy. The one who doesn't belong.

I have struggled with feeling this way for most of my life. I have come to a place where, 85% of the time, I realize it is just my perception of the situation and not rooted in reality. I know my tendency is to view the glass as half empty instead of half full. Most of the time, I can usually keep those I-don't-belong thoughts at bay and not let them overtake me. But, in trying times, I am weaker. I let those feelings come creeping up and they hungrily feed on my weakness. They feed, I weaken, then they get stronger and feed on me some more. In those times, when I read about infertile women achieving their families, I feel disheartened instead of hope. I don’t belong therefore what happened to them can't possibly happen to me. And, before I know it, I’m stopped in my tracks, stripped of my warrior fierceness.

I know that eventually I shake these feelings off. Things become clearer, more hopeful and I’m ready to fight for my chance at having children, again. I’m just at a loss at what I'm supposed to do when I’m in the midst of it. How do I keep myself from standing outside the circle? How do I keep myself from drawing that damn circle in the first place?