Have you seen my courage?

A couple of weeks ago a friend of ours, A., came to stay with us for a few days. During that time, A. and I ended up spending most nights talking and staying up late. It was not something I expected we would do, because we hadn’t been close friends. But A. has been going through a difficult year and it seemed like she was in the process of trying to make some life changes. During our talks, I realized she was taking huge emotional risks by talking to me about her fears and hopes in an effort to open up her life to better things. It got me to reflect a little on my life and where I wanted to be. Talking with her reminded me of a book I had on my Amazon wish list called Changing for Good by James Prochaska. The book is written for and targeted to people who want to change bad habits (smoking, alcohol abuse, etc.) but applies, really, to anyone wanting to make a change. Soon after A. left, I ordered it. I have been reading it these last few days and am finding that there are many passages in the book that really speak to me.

Last night, I was reading about the preparation stage of change and was reminded of the real definition of courage—that courage is not the absence of fear but the ability to act in the face of fear. I dawned on me that I had lost the courage to tackle the difficulties of life and it has been missing for many years. I realized that it is cowardice that is holding me back from going forward with dealing with my infertility and verifying that my ovaries are indeed starting to fail. I am fearful of the bad news another visit to the doctor may bring. I am at a complete loss as to how to act despite my fears. Knowing that I am unable to act makes me feel bad about myself. Having these bad feelings intensifies my fears and I loathe exposing myself to situations that may open the door to bad news. Lather, rinse and repeat.

So, I guess the question now is, how do I find my courage again? I know it’s possible for me to be courageous because I have acted with courage before. But what deep, dark crevices of my soul has my courage been relegated to? Where do you go look for something that has been pushed so far down that you weren’t even able to see it was gone?