A Call

A couple of nights ago, I got a call from my mom. One of my cousins, I., who is 40 and got married a couple of months before I did, had gotten pregnant and then miscarried. I hate that I feel this way, but I was relieved. After the emotional week I had, I was glad I didn’t have to deal with any family pregnancy news. I knew I. would try to get pregnant right after her wedding, but a little shocked it happened so fast for her. But, wait, my mother wasn’t finished. Another cousin, C., younger sister to I. and a couple of years older than me, was also pregnant. She had twins, but apparently lost one. Her due date is sometime in July.

I had known C. was trying to have a baby. She and I had been e-mailing for the last year or so and we shared our stories about trying to get pregnant. She is one of the few people who know the details of my IF. She has been dealing with some IF issues herself, due mostly to slight male factor.

I don’t know exactly what to feel now that I have had some time to digest some of this news. The night of the call, I was very sad but also quite disgusted with myself and my reactions. You would think that as someone who went through a miscarriage, I would have more compassion for my cousin I., instead of just relief for myself. You would think I would have wanted to reach out to her right away and offer her my understanding instead of hating her because at 40, she was able to get pregnant more easily than me. At 40, her eggs weren’t good, but still better than mine. I also don’t know how to deal with C. I’m sure the loss of one of her twins must be hard. But she is still pregnant. I’m sure she will go through the next few weeks, maybe months wondering if she will lose her other child and here I sit dreading the day this summer I will find a birth announcement in the mail. It feels petty and selfish. Even more important, this is not the kind of person I want to be. I am so tired of being this person filled with negative emotions.

And you know what else kills me? It is that C. and most likely I. were both pregnant when they came to our wedding. I had worried about how they would handle being around the small kids and babies and a visibly pregnant woman who would also be here. I spent time debating if I should warn them ahead of time (ultimately I decided that with the way we set up the house (separate kids room with games and video) and the backyard, it was big enough that they could go somewhere to totally avoid any kids or my pregnant friend).

Looks like I didn’t have to worry about them at all. As Mr. Worrier noted after I told him the news, they seemed quite happy around the other kids when they were here. Now, he understands why.

[Note to Thalia: Yes, I am grateful for Mr. Worrier and what we have. Without him, especially in these last few years, I don’t know how I would have survived. I do forget what a good life I have with him. Thank you for reminding me of that.]

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Despite my emotional inability to deal with my cousins’ pregnancies and losses, I ended up having lunch with my pregnant friend the next day. I wasn’t sure how I would handle it but I realized I didn’t have any negative feelings toward her, at least not any strong enough that kept me from talking with her and enjoying our lunch together. I was even able to handle having a whole conversation about how her pregnancy was going and hearing how the baby is getting really active. Yet, today, I still feel dismayed and discouraged about the news about my cousins. Go figure.