Red Light, Green Light (Updated)

So after the initial shock and awe of last week’s baby news followed by some crying and shopping therapy, I started to deal with it better. At least the idea of having to deal with follow-up baby news doesn’t seem so hard to deal with. But, it’s still a pretty Jekyll and Hyde situation. Some news sends me wanting to run to the bathroom crying (like people talking about doing a group baby gift) but other situations I have no problems with (I was oohing and ahhing with the best of them when the email came in with a link to baby pictures). After giving it some thought, I realized that I was prepared to look at pictures of the baby because I anticipated it would happen at some point. Last night the image of the parents with their newborn popped in my head as I was going to sleep and I thought to myself, ok, that wasn’t so bad, I can handle that. But I wasn’t prepared for being asked to be involved in doing a group gift (since I already gave them something). And those things that I don’t anticipate I seem to react to the least well to. I found myself wishing people could understand how hard it was sometimes. And I wished there was some signal on my forehead people could see so that they could tell what kind of mindset I was in at the moment. Red light: Don’t you dare come near me with any baby talk or I will chew you up, spit you out then turn back time so I can do it all over again. Yellow light: I could be perfectly fine. I could lose it and cry my eyes out. You’ve been warned, proceed with caution. Green light: I’m good today but limit all baby talk to no more than 5 minutes per 3 hours. (Come to think of it, I could use a system like this for myself just so I can know how I am feeling.)

Anyway, I thought about sending this email to my coworkers:

Hi Everyone,

I wanted to ask a favor of everyone and thought this was the best way to do it instead of approaching each person separately. Some of you know or may remember I had a miscarriage two years ago. After that, C. and I shared our trials and struggles and supported each other when we were both trying to get pregnant the year before her pregnancy. Since then, I found out it may be difficult or impossible for me to have biological children. Which is not to say I’m not happy for the birth of J. and C.’s baby. I am incredibly happy their pregnancy went well and was successful. I know this is an exciting time for them and also for us as their friends and co-workers. But these last days since the baby’s birth I realized I am having a more difficult time than I anticipated. Most of the time, I am ok and can participate in the excitement of trading the latest news from J. and C. But there are times when someone asks me a question or makes a comment unexpectedly and it throws me off guard and I find myself a bit emotional.

I don’t want to make things weird and uncomfortable for people or for people to stop talking around me. I know the questions and comments are not meant to be hurtful. But I would like to ask if you have a direct question or comment for me related to J., C. or the baby if you could preface it with something like, I’d like to ask you something about J’s baby. Or we have some news about the baby would you like to hear it? This would help me see if I’m in a place to hear the questions or news you have and let you know if I need some time to process it.

I don’t wish to make my personal issues with this into a big, uncomfortable thing or a burden for the people around me. Like I said, I understand people just naturally want to express their excitement for this wonderful event. But I may excuse myself or walk away as people chat about these things. I hope you will be able to understand that if I do, it’s something I need to do for myself and I don’t feel any ill-will towards you.

Thanks for “listening,”

Summer

I don’t know if I’ll actually send it. I’ve sent this out to a couple of friends, who don’t work in the same lab I do, to see what they think. I don’t want to come off as needy and bitter (even though I feel that way sometimes). I just wish I had more warning and a little control over what is thrown at me. Is that possible to have? Maybe this is too much to ask of my coworkers? Would it seem too unprofessional to send an email such as this? Too dramatic? I don’t really want them walking on eggshells around me, just be more, I don’t know, aware? Would you send something like this out to people you work with, that you get along with fairly well and share some aspects of your personal life with (though I have only talked about my infertility with one coworker)?

An alternative is to say something like this to the people I’m talking to in my red light/yellow light moments. But, I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it at those times and maybe have to repeat it several times in one day. Or, I could just not say anything at all and let it be awkward if I have to just walk away, but that doesn’t feel completely right. Plus, we have weekly meetings and I know this baby talk will come up in one of those meetings (it already has to some degree) and I couldn’t really just walk out of the meeting.

Updated to add: I decided to send a copy of the email to a couple of friends, one who used to be a coworker and knows some of the people in my lab. Both thought it was ok to send and one suggested I sit on it for awhile to see how I feel. I thought it was a good idea since I wasn’t completely happy with it. I showed it to Mr. Warrior after I got home and he thought it was a good email to send out but thought I should take out the paragraph about asking for people to say things a certain way. He said having it in there puts the responsibility on other people and if I just expressed that I was having a hard time, people will figure out how best to act. (He always has more faith in people and their actions than I do!) So, I looked at the email again, but without that paragraph and it did seem much better. I sent it out this morning and people have responded to it in a caring, sensitive way. J. made it a point to stop by and tell me how much J and C cared about us and how much they appreciated our support during their time trying. I was very touched by that.