Behavior Modification

When I first started this blog, I envisioned it as a place I would go to be quiet with myself and dig deep so to be more aware of what I am feeling. I also thought if I gave myself this safe place, this haven, I would be able to sort out issues or give voice to feelings I wouldn’t normally allow myself to speak of otherwise. When I was thinking about a name for my blog, Worrier/Warrior seemed to perfectly define the states of my mental life when dealing with life’s struggles. I begin by worrying about every possible detail and the things that can go wrong then develop a methodical attack in hopes of conquering them.

I notice that many of my posts in the last month or so have been Worrier-driven rather than Warrior-driven. And I don’t like it. I don’t like it because it’s a reflection of the fact that I have started treating my blog as a place I go to only to put down my negative or confused thoughts rather than a place where all my emotions can reside. It’s like I’m giving too much power to my negative emotions and not nurturing my positive ones. When I focus on the struggles and emotional turmoil, I give them more worth and by default, the good things in my life become worthless. So, these last few weeks I have been trying to modify my behavior. I have stopped checking the various infertility and related boards every day and limited my blog reading to lunchtime. I had been a little afraid of this change because it meant I would have more time on my hands. For so long, that time on my hands meant the emptiness which encompassed my body after my miscarriage could surface and I would aimlessly go through the motions of “working.” Not so these days. Most of the time, I am able to focus and actually be productive.

One side effect of this behavior modification, though, is an avoidance to blogging. I’m not sure why. I get the feeling that I am in the process of integrating my IF into the bigger scheme that is my life. That while IF has been the central focus of my life for a long time, I am only now, fully realizing the chronic nature of being in the midst of and eventually going through ovarian failure. It means that my road to motherhood will be long, most likely difficult and possibly filled with making hard decisions. It means that even if I achieve motherhood, there are health consequences that will require my attention for at least decades if not for the rest of my life. And, while I started this blog with all intents and purposes as a chronicle of my IF journey, IF is not the whole of my life.

So, I intend to keep on with this behavior modification experiment for awhile longer to see where it leads me. I don’t know what that will mean for the frequency or quality of posts. I plan to post updates on my on-going (but perhaps fruitless efforts) to work with doctors on campus while I wait for my RE appointment. I think, eventually, I would like my blog to reflect the whole of the person that I am and not solely my infertility. If and how that will come about, I can only wait and see.