Random Thoughts

Been having a lot of random thoughts and was putting off writing a post until I had something more substantial, but that at the rate I’m going, that could take weeks. So I’m just going to go with the random thoughts since it’s been awhile since I last posted.

[begin random thoughts]

Spent most of last week preparing a presentation for a group of faculty, post-doc’s and other grad students. I hadn’t given a talk like this in a long time and was quite nervous. It didn’t help that my results from my latest experiments are leading me in a completely different direction than I started out with and I don’t really understand the implications of it all. Plus, I haven’t felt much excitement about my and the absolute worst thing is to try to talk about something you have no interest in. I mean, if you’re not interested in your own work, then how do you expect other people to be? I felt tongue-tied and twisted throughout the talk, and no one asked any questions, but the reaction after the meeting (there were 3 of us presenting) was positive. In fact, they were almost completely the opposite of what my perception of my talk was. Usually I’m pretty good at gauging how well I do. I’m not sure why there was such a huge discrepancy between my perceptions and reality. That bothers me a little but I’m glad I didn’t come off as bad as I thought. So, I’m going to try to be happy with what I have.

After the talk, I spent most of the weekend feeding my Firefly/Serenity obsession. I got Mr. Warrior hooked and so, even though I finished watching all the episodes and the movie only a week and a half ago, I have been re-watching it with Mr. Warrior. It’s almost more fun the second time around and you get to catch more of the dialogue.

This week has just been trying to get back into regular old working routines and trying to remember where I left off. So, far work has only been minimally productive this week and so I’m really glad it’s Friday. I plan to finish the baby toy I’ve been knitting and plan a baby-something or other for my cousin C., as my next knitting project. I had sent my cousin C. an e-mail awhile back to see how she was doing after losing one of her twins and she responded this week. Turns out they had severe male factor (plus she’s over 35) and they were not expecting to get pregnant without help. She was vague as to what the underlying problem was, but whatever it is their urologist had suggested a risky surgery and there was no guarantee of success. By the time they saw their urologist to discuss whether they should go ahead with the surgery or not, she was pregnant. The urologist was, apparently, very surprised she got pregnant. So, her due date is early August and they are cautiously planning the baby’s arrival and looking to buy their first house. I was not so hurt by hearing all her news, but not so happy either. I really am happy for her, that she was able to get pregnant without IVF or her husband undergoing surgery. I did wonder if there would ever come a day when news of an unassisted, we-have-problems-but-we-got-lucky-and-got-pregnant-anyway pregnancy won’t ever make me flinch just a little. The bright spot? While I was having that thought, I saw me asking myself “does it still hurt?” then looking towards two little kids, my kids, playing on the floor in front of me. I don’t know if that image will ever be my reality, but being able to picture a reality like that made me think that maybe I can have a future where I am happy in my life even if things don’t go the way I would like.

I was able to get an appointment today to try to get a referral to do more testing. Last time I tried this, the nurse practitioner insisted I could use my referral for my IF evaluation. But since the doctor basically told me there was nothing they could to for me on campus and to go to an IVF clinic and what I want to do non-IF wise is to find a doctor who has some understanding of POF or peri-menopause, I didn’t think the IF referral would cover that. I don’t want to get an appointment, have tests done and find out that I need to pay for things that would have otherwise been covered if only I had the right paperwork. Somehow, I couldn’t get the NP to understand that before so, I decided to make an appointment with somebody else to see if I get someone who can understand my dilemma. This was actually my cousin TPED’s (the potential egg donor’s) advice. To just keep bugging different people until I get what I want.

It’s taken about 2 months to get myself to make this appointment, so I’m hoping the doctor I’m meeting with today is more receptive. I am tired of receiving bad news or feeling completely stuck after a doctor’s visit because I can’t seem to get what I need. I’m a little afraid that if the doctor today still won’t give me a referral, I’ll just put off seeing a specialist again. I don’t want to keep putting this off, so I’m telling myself that no matter what the outcome today, my next step is to make an appointment with an RE and just deal with the insurance fallout.

[end random thoughts]