I've had better days (or I need to buy myself something pretty)
We heard this morning at work that my pregnant friend (and the wife of one of my coworkers) went into labor and to the hospital early this morning. The word is that they may have a bit of a hospital stay before the baby is born. There is a lot of excitement at work and our meeting this morning was filled with guesses of when the baby would be born and if it would be a boy or a girl (the parents didn’t want to know the sex beforehand). All during the meeting, my mind kept wandering and it was hard to keep focus. I had tried not to think about the impending birth this last week or so (which should have been my first clue I might not take the news well) but I couldn’t keep thoughts back this morning. I tried joining in with some of the baby banter (dumb idea), but found myself welling with emotion. Knowing tears might be next, I disengaged. But, disengagement feels like adding salt to the wound, because now I not only feel sad from the news, but alienated from other people. It’s hard not to have people recognize that the news may be difficult for me. I feel slightly bitter that the same coworkers who were kind and caring when I miscarried two years ago can say things today like “There can’t be anything more emotionally difficult than knowing your baby is about to be born but not knowing exactly when.” I wanted to say, yes, there is. There is carrying nothing but an empty sac and knowing the baby you thought was there will never be born.
I know all this banter is not about me or people wanting to intentionally hurt me. Times like these I just want a little sensitivity. But asking for it feels selfish and I’m afraid of what people will think of me trying to bring my pain into the midst of all this “exiting” news.
I know this will pass and I can be strong again, but I also know when the baby is born, there will be more banter to endure. Then, more inevitable baby talk when my coworker comes back to work. And I’m sure there will be more stories about the baby and how it’s doing in the months to come. Fuck. I guess I didn’t realize until I wrote that last sentence that there would be all this baby banter to deal with at work for the coming days (weeks? months?). Maybe this won’t just all pass. Or, it will pass for this bit of news, but there will be more baby news so it will just come back and hit me again. And again. And again.
Fuck.
Anyone else not want to be where they are right now? Care to trade places?
posted by Summer | 1:56 PM
4 Comments:
Summer - Sorry you are going through such crap. I'll tell you my situation, so you don't feel so alone! I am 35 and TTC for over 4 years. Three IVFs, very poor ovarian response, low fertilization, etc. In the last two years, my SIL, my youngest sister, and my best friend have all had babies. SIL and BF both conceived during 1st month of trying.
I console myself knowing that I have known no major tragedies in my life and that if this is the worst thing I ever have to deal with in life, I am a lucky person.
I am mostly in-the-closet with my IF issues. It's hard not being able to talk to anyone about it, but they can't relate anyway. Besides, that's what blogs are for! I'm reading yours even if I'm not always commenting.
I hope you can get through this period without too much stress.
Thanks, Susan. That's the crux of it, isn't it? That dealing with infertility while others are having babies can make you feel so alone. Most of the time I remember I'm not the only one going through these things, but sometimes I forget. Thanks for reminding me.
I'm still open mouthed about those asinine comments from your co-workers. Goodness but people are unbelievably thoughtless sometimes.
Summer, just came across your blog and wanted to say that I'm so sorry that you have had to go through so much. IF sucks and it is even worse that people don't know how to be sensitive about it. Take care!
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