Anniversary

Two years ago today, I peed on a stick for the first time in my life and saw two lines. Since then, there has not been a day in the last two years I haven’t thought about babies or pregnancies. According to Google that’s 730.484398 days of hurting, dreaming and hoping.

One year ago today, I was sad that I had not been able to be pregnant again and tired of the monthly disappointment of seeing my period. Mr. Warrior and I began to talk about the possibility of IVF and found we were both ready to try it if we still had not achieved pregnancy after the “requisite” one year of trying. I hoped it would not have to come to that, but felt prepared to do move to IVF if only to secure a larger chance of success.

Today, I’m accepting of the low or no possibility of having a baby with my eggs, even with IVF. There are still bad days when it’s difficult to cope with my infertility. But those days are fewer. I think I am integrating IF more and more into my life and into my identity. And I think I am starting to realize that my life and my family may not unfold in the way I imagined when I was 10 or 20 or 30 years old, but maybe it can still be a good one.