This time around

…the news was hard to hear, but I kept it together enough to ask questions and get more information about what we have learned by doing the first IUI cycle and trying to do another. It turns out one of my “mature” follicles last cycle measured 28mm. Way too over-developed to be normal. What we thought was a good response of 3 mature follicles was not.

…at my baseline u/s I had a cyst that measured 25mm and no antral follicles in either ovary. The doctor we met this time training Dr. SIL (Dr. No Face is no longer with the clinic) was one we met with last summer when we went in for our fertility evaluation. She was the one who gave us our IVF and possibly donor egg talk. Her take is that this month’s finding that I have no antral follicles confirms that my high FSH reading of 31 was likely real. And, given that I had a 28 mm follicle last month by day 14, it says to her that my body had already tried to recruit follicles before I started the Clomid which is earlier than typical and consistent with diminished ovarian reserve. She also agreed that given that I had a miscarriage before, this suggests there may be issues with egg quality.

...I could only hold it together until we walked out of the office. We took the stair well and before I got to the first landing, I knew I would lose it. Very surreal hearing your sobs echo in an empty stairwell.

…Mr. Warrior took it harder than I did. He was angry he placed trust in the hope Dr. No Face had given us just days before. He is feeling distrustful of how much to trust doctors next time.

…I am feeling sad but having no antral follicles at my baseline u/s confirms my belief that my infertility problems started long before I ever got pregnant and miscarried. That I may have had a chance to have healthy babies in my early 20’s, but my periods really changed when I was 27, the year I started grad school. I had chalked it up to stress, but now I think that is when my eggs started to decline. Strangely, it makes me feel more grateful for my pregnancy and miscarriage. A proof that the infertility I am experiencing is not something I could have avoided. I couldn’t have eaten better or taken care of myself better or taken more care to not let the stress of grad school get to me in order to avoid this.

…I still feel lost even though we have a plan (IVF with donor eggs). I guess it’s a little like knowing my grandfather was going to die when he first got sick. There is grief and sadness in this realization, but he wasn’t dead yet and so there was time to process some of the feelings. When he did die, it was painful and heartbreaking, but having had some time to prepare for it, I didn’t need to try to both grieve and make sense of it all. I could just grieve.

…I tried reaching out more to the people around me. But, it’s hard when you know they don’t understand the depth of your pain and don’t know how to help you. I end up trying to console them instead or reassuring them that I recognize they are trying to be helpful. Maybe that’s why I feel lost. I feel like I am being lost when I come into contact with other people. Being overshadowed by their discomfort and need to help.

…I know I will get through this. Afterall, I have before. I’m just not sure how I’m going to get through it.